Your voice is vital. Those of us in long-term, happy marriages cannot comprehend the challenges of blending different lives and traditions. We need to listen to you and be humbled by your message.

I think you are right that holding onto the Savior is the key. Determination is essential. I think it may also help to stir in some insight from research. The gold standard among step family books is Visher and Visher: How to Win as a Step Family. There is also a biblical book: Lauer and Lauer: Becoming Family.

I hope you will teach all of us what you learn about turning the added challenges into blessings.

-Wally

My wife died suddenly 12-1/2 years ago. (We had been married 28 years.) I married again two years after that. This blended family business is not real easy and I would not necessarily recommend it. The word “blended” seems to indicate that it is all put back together. But it is not like a first marriage where you have so many years of shared history. The word “blending” seems more appropriate since metaphorically, the blender is turned on full speed (as life is full speed) and many times the lid comes off (because it doesn’t fit on the new blender)causing a mess. If it was only a mess it would not be too bad, but many days it feels like just “holding it together officially.” Without the long background of “so many years of shared history,” what do you do? What do you hold on to?

It doesn’t seem like very many people know about blending families. For example, in High Priest’s Group, I looked around the room of 20+ (about 20 to 25 attend every Sunday) wonderful, dedicated, knowledgeable, experienced in leadership, prosperous, kind, talented men. I truly admire them and appreciate their brotherhood. All of them, seasoned in the church, have their first wife of many years. In lessons like #39 last year on Relief Society, the discussion turned to their wifes. Nothing was mentioned about second marriages.

When a young couple gets married, they work out differences early in their marriage and create a family. Once family traditions, methods of doing things, and details are established (not talking about right and wrong), it is later hard to “blend” those traditions and methods with another spouse. If it were only hard it would not be too bad, but sometimes it can be painful.

I am always looking for help and advice in blending families. The only thing I can conclude is that you just hold on with pure grit. And I know that the only thing to do is turn to Christ and apply the principles of the Gospel. Yesterday was Sunday and I noticed that just attending the block of meetings felt like applying a salve to the pain.

So what do you hold on to? Only the Savior is what I have come to conclude.
Doug

-Wally

I’ve seen two marriages up close–mine, and my parents. My parents should have never married. They held it together officially, but I have paid dearly for it my entire life. I sound like a monster, but they are both gone now and it’s a relief.

My marriage is going on 25 years next September. I was determined to marry someone 180 degrees opposite of my violent father, and I got a guy who never raises his voice. I could back over him with my car, and all he would say is “you could use a new exhaust system.”

I’m afraid no number of retreats with Dr. and Mrs. Wally would’ve helped my parents. In fact, as you allude to in your final paragraph, there are some marriages that are pathological and can’t be fixed. I see you are having an event on a cruiseship. I guarantee, if my parents could go with you, you would have to fight the urge to throw them overboard.

In January, George and I begin empty-nesting as our college student son moves into a dorm for the first time. It’s just wonderful having so many years of shared history with one person. We’ve survived parenthood, a house fire, grad school, three major surgeries, chronic illness, a lay off and 25 Minnesota winters.

I appreciate all the work you and Nancy do to help couples. Keep up the great blogging! Nancy