Sometimes we parents make stupid pronouncements. For example, one morning I was teaching a parenting class and a mother told about a blow-up with her daughter the previous evening. She had made a special meal for her daughter to eat while she studied. Apparently the daughter was not in a good mood. When Mom delivered the meal, the daughter scorned: “I don’t want to eat that junk!” Mother was instantly indignant. “Is that the gratitude I get for trying to be helpful? Maybe you can be grounded for a week!” And she stomped back to the kitchen feeling both hurt and guilty. She knew that her daughter had behaved badly. But she also knew that she had over-reacted.

The mother asked me what she should do. She did not want to make threats and then fail to deliver. She knew that could undermine her credibility. She is right. One of the greatest problems in parenting is that parents give directives that they do not enforce. Children learn to ignore our directives until we become angry. Only then do they know that we’re serious.

Yet the best way to teach the daughter to repent is to be a good model of repenting. I suggested that the mother approach her daughter when she got home from school. When they are relaxed, she could say: “I want to talk with you about something. Last night I was very hurt when I prepared a treat that I thought you would enjoy and you seemed unappreciative. I reacted in ways that aren’t right. I’m sorry. I wonder if we could start over again. I would like to recreate our interaction last night.”

I asked if the mother thought that approach would work. The mother heaved a sigh of relief. “I have felt so bad about my reaction. If I say what you suggested, I know that my daughter will immediately apologize for her thoughtless reaction. I can apologize for my over-reaction. Our relationship will be healed.”

I call that re-scripting. We can go back to bad times and re-write them when we are peaceful. While I believe that reasonable rules should be consistently and promptly enforced, I also believe that unreasonable pronouncements should be revised with humility and kindness.

As I studied education at BYU, King Benjamin seemed more and more outlandish to me. He dwelt on our carnal state, being less than the dust of the earth, our nothingness, and our worthless and fallen state. I felt that King Benjamin showed a curious misunderstanding of human nature and self-esteem.

As a newlywed glowing with the doctrine of fundamental worth, I resolved to help my sweet partner, Nancy, remedy her glaring deficiency in self-esteem. As life rolled on I should have been alert to obvious inconsistencies in my beliefs. The core article of faith in the doctrine of self-esteem is that you cannot love anyone until you love yourself. Yet Nancy reached out to struggling immigrants and the illiterate poor with compassion and resolve. She served two stints as Relief Society president with ministries that were remarkable in their sweet inclusiveness. Nancy is simply the best mortal Christian I have ever known.

Almost three decades have passed since that time at BYU when I judged King Benjamin by a foolish human fad. I have repented. In fact, as I recently finished a term as a BYU bishop, I realized that I had quoted King Benjamin’s once-spurned observations dozens of times in sacred interviews. (So, you now believe that we are worthless?) And there has been a total reversal in our marriage; the young groom who was once trying to improve his wife’s self-regard is now trying to learn from her self-forgetfulness.

As a sidelight, self-esteem has suffered miserably at the hands of research. As early as 1983 Susan Harter observed that the idea of raising self-esteem in order to improve performance is mistaken. It is wiser to get children doing good things and let the self-esteem follow.

The most deadly blow to the self-esteem movement was probably landed by its most ardent supporters. In the 1980s a group of true believers declared a state of esteem in California. Millions of dollars were directed to improving the self-appraisal of Californians. Fortunately the leaders of the movement gathered research data. The conclusion of the study was that “the associations between self-esteem and its expected consequences are mixed, insignificant, or absent” (Mecca, Smelser, & Vasconcellos, 1989). The experiment in social improvement was a bust. High self-esteem is as likely to be related to problem behavior as model behavior.

We shouldn’t have been surprised. God has never recommended self-esteem. Some have tortured the ancient commandment to love neighbors as self to mean that we must love ourselves. The context for the commandment might be more consistent with a recommendation that if the ancient children of Israel, who were so absorbed in their own needs, would turn their attention at least as much to their neighbors, they would be better off.

But Jesus has given a transcendent commandment: “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another” (John 13:34). It is worth noting that the commandment to love as He has loved is wedged between His washing of the apostles’ feet and His infinite and eternal sacrifice in our behalf.
God recommends self-forgetfulness and discipleship rather than self-celebration and self-improvement.

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it (Matthew 16:24–25).

If we cultivate a Christ-like mind, we ultimately gain the “confidence [that waxes] strong in the presence of God” (D&C 121:45). That is very different from self-confidence. It is a serene peace that God is in charge and that He knows how to accomplish His perfect purposes.

Father’s plan for growth is different from the human plan for growth. Rather than enlarge our management, rally our genius, and exercise our strength (as recommended by Korihor), we focus our faith, submit our wills, and beseech heaven for divine power. That is the relentless message of the Book of Mormon.

Somehow in my youthful (and presumptuous) study of King Benjamin, I had missed the context for our nothingness. “For behold, if the knowledge of the goodness of God at this time has awakened you to a sense of your nothingness, and your worthless and fallen state—” (Mosiah 4:5). It is not our absolute nothingness but our total dependence that King Benjamin stressed. The realization of our dependence opens the way for the vital plea: “And they had viewed themselves in their own carnal state, even less than the dust of the earth. And they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified;” (Mosiah 4:2).
Ammon marveled in a Redeemer who redeemed such undeserving souls as we: “Who could have supposed that our God would have been so merciful as to have snatched us from our awful, sinful, and polluted state?” (Alma 26:17).

King Benjamin promised that if we follow his counsel we “shall always rejoice, and be filled with the love of God, and always retain a remission of [our] sins” (Mosiah 4:12). We cannot save ourselves; we must be rescued by the Lord’s divine goodness. King Benjamin was right all along.

References

Mecca, A. M., Smelser, N. J., & Vasconcellos, J. (1989). The social importance of self-esteem. Berkeley: University of California Press.

It is cause for serious reflection that Latter-day Saints have been as gullible with respect to self-esteem as the world in general. It has been taught by well-meaning teachers in Primary, Sunday School, Aaronic Priesthood, Young Women, and Relief Society. (In my experience, Melchizedek priesthood quorums have been rather uninterested in self-esteem.)

Did we ever wonder how to reconcile the dogmas of self-esteem with such clear messages from Jesus as:

If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it (Matthew 16:24–25).

The instinctive response to assaults on the self-esteem movement is commonly shock: “So, does God want us to hate ourselves?” No. He wants us to forget ourselves and follow Him.

Consider the following contrasts:

The self-esteem dogma: You cannot love anyone until you love yourself.

God’s doctrine: You cannot love anyone (with full-blown charity) until you love God.

The self-esteem dogma: When you love yourself, then you can be of service.

God’s doctrine: When you forget yourself, then you can be of service.

The self-esteem dogma: Remember your great worth.

God’s doctrine: Remember God’s goodness and the great worth of all souls to the Father of All.

The Lord has given us a program of gifts to help us to be more efficient servants. Tucked away in the Doctrine and Covenants is a reflection on spiritual gifts. We have failed to appreciate this psychological gem. As we study the section for Father’s program of “self-esteem,” it becomes immediately clear that Father’s expertise extends beyond geology and chemistry. He is an Expert in human development. Five points seem very clear in D&C 46.

1. “…to every [person] is given a gift by the Spirit of God.” (v.11)

I take the statement so literally as to believe that even God’s most handicapped children still have remarkable and god-given gifts. Everyone has a gift.

Gardner (1983) and Sternberg (1988) have written persuasively about multiple intelligences. Cal Taylor (1986) has argued for multiple talent orientations for decades. He believes that everyone excels in at least one gift.

How do we cultivate an awareness of gifts in those around us? Jesus’ example is to regularly provide us supportive hints about our divine gifts. We should do the same for others. That is part of the commandment to love one another as He loves us. Under inspiration of heaven we might reflect: “I love your cheerful spirit.” “Your sensitivity has touched my heart.” “Surely your determination is a gift from God.” “I warm my hands by the glow of your testimony.”

In homes and classrooms we uniquely honor our baptismal covenant when we speak without guile of the divine that we see in others: “comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in” (Mosiah 18:9).

2. “To some is given one, and to some is given another . . . .” (v.12)

The human tendency to try to be all things to all people may be a subtle form of idolatry. God insists that no one has every gift. Joseph Smith had different gifts from Brigham Young. Peter had different gifts from Paul.

. . . deny not the gifts of God, for they are many; and they come from the same God. And there are different ways that these gifts are administered; but it is the same God who worketh all in all; and they are given by the manifestations of the Spirit of God unto men, to profit them (Moroni 10:8).

Susan Harter (1983) recognized one of the faults of traditional self-esteem was the assumption that it is global. The idea that you feel good about yourself or you don’t has been discredited. People need to have a more articulated sense of specific strengths. “For there are many gifts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God” (D&C 46:11).

Rather than envy each other’s gifts, we should celebrate the gift we are given and rejoice in the gifts that are given to others. If we fail to use our gifts because we consider them inferior to someone else’s gifts then we unwise servants.

For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift? Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given unto him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift (D&C 88:33).

When I talk with groups of teenagers about gifts, I invite each of them to name his or her favorite food. Then I ask them to picture a big mixer with all the favorite foods mixed together. How many would be delighted with the resulting mix of pizza, ice cream, nachos, lasagna, and cookies? If God has designed us to be cookies, we should be great cookies. If God, has designed us to be pizza, we should fill the measure of that spicy creation. “Now, seeing that I know these things, why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I have been called?” (Alma 29:6).

For those who are tempted to covet others’ gifts, God has given the good news in point #3: all gifts in all people belong to all of us in a community of caring and service.

3. “And all these gifts come from God, for the benefit of the children of God.” (D&C 46:26)

God has not given us gifts so that we may win trophies and impress our neighbors. He has given us gifts so “that all may be profited thereby” (v.12).

A team of researchers (Allen, Philliber, Herrling, & Kuperminc, 1997) recently discovered that when they involved high-risk teens in community service, their rates of pregnancy and dropping out of school declined in spite of the fact that there was no part of the intervention that was targeted at those outcomes. The researchers were mystified. They concluded that when people are involved in service they grow in healthy ways. They are less vulnerable to psychological sickness.

God has always known the growth-promoting and healing benefits of serving and loving. When our gifts are woven together in a tapestry of caring, we are filling the measure of our creation. We are becoming more like Him.

Prophets of every era have counseled us to serve and bless one another. It is essential to our growth. When we draw family members into gladly delivering cookies, picking up litter, praying for the struggling, we are ministering to their eternal well being.

4. “seek ye earnestly the best gifts, always remembering for what they are given;” (v.8)

The Lord counsels us to keep growing. Carol Ryff’s (1989) definition of psychological well being identifies personal growth as a vital dimension. Latter-day Saints believe in eternal progress. That can apply to things as diverse as looking up answers to questions in the encyclopedia, cultivating charity, and praying for greater patience.

5. “ye must give thanks unto God in the Spirit for whatsoever blessing ye are blessed with.” (v.32)

Gratitude opens the windows of heaven. “O how you ought to thank your heavenly King!” (Mosiah 2:19). The appreciation that all gifts are a divine bestowal intended to bless all of our brothers and sisters makes the Lord’s program of gifts very different from the world’s self-esteem programs.

The Lord’s program of gifts, nestled in a neglected section of the Doctrine and Covenants, offers us a remarkable program of growth. It points us toward becoming new creatures in Christ. Assuredly, that is good.

References

Allen, J. P., Philliber, S., Herrling, S., & Kuperminc, G. P. (1997). Preventing teen pregnancy and academic failure: Experimental evaluation of a developmentally based approach. Child Development, 64, 729–742.

Gardner, H. (1983). Frames of mind: The theory of multiple intelligences. New York: Basic Books.

Harter, S. (1983). Developmental perspectives on the self-system. In E. M. Hetherington (Ed.), P. H. Mussen (Series Ed.), Handbook of child psychology, Vol. 4, Socialization, personality and social development (pp. 275–385). New York: Wiley.

Ryff, C. D. (1989). Happiness is everything, or is it? Explorations on the meaning of psychological well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57(6), 1069–1081

Sternberg, R. J. (1988). The triarchic mind: A new theory of human intelligence. New York: Viking Press.

Taylor, C. W. (1986). The growing importance of creativity and leadership in spreading gifted and talented programs world-wide. Roeper Review, VIII, (4), 256–263.

Picture a person with high self-esteem. Probably that person is talented and confident. Ironically, one of the ways that we may be sure that that person has high self-esteem is that we always feel inferior around him or her. We wish we were as impressive.

Traditionally self-esteem has been defined as our evaluation of our self-perceptions. The psychological imperative has been: You must love yourself. You must celebrate yourself. One man who seemed to have such self-assurance expressed it this way: “I happened to catch my reflection the other day when I was polishing my trophies, and, gee, it’s easy to see why women are nuts about me” (Robert Byrne, 1911 best things anybody ever said).

But how does such self-regard fit into a gospel perspective? Self-esteem is simply Satan’s attempt to clean up pride and make it respectable, even desirable. But the spiritually mature recognize that the world’s version of self-esteem is dangerously close to arrogance, boastfulness, cocksureness, conceit, condescension, egotism, haughtiness, narcissism, piousness, pomposity, presumption, self-centeredness, self-righteousness, smugness, snobbery, superiority, and vanity.

Let’s take Jesus as a test case. Did He have high self-esteem? When called “Good Master,” He protested: “Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments” (Matthew 19:17). What does it mean for us that the most righteous person who lived on this Earth deflected all praise to His Father?

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, The Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the Father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise” (John 5:19).

Consider the following antonyms of pride and their application to Jesus and his disciples in all ages: common, humble, lowly, meek, mild, modest, plain, simple, submissive, unassertive, unassuming, unpretentious.

The scriptural descriptions of Jesus could be amassed to support the point. But His own words were: “I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me” (John 5:30). Jesus simply fails as the model of the amazing, self-assured, modern man. A modern psychologist might have a diagnostic heyday with a person who said the things Jesus said. He appeared to have no self-esteem.

Isn’t torturous and counter-productive self-hate the only alternative to self-esteem? Only in the world’s misguided system. It is Satan who is obsessed with appearances and perceptions. There is a better way. Jesus describes it:

Let thy bowels also be full of charity [Ah! charity—that pure love that comes only from Christ] towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God [this is a special kind of confidence; not self-confidence but divine confidence]; and the doctrine of the priesthood [what is the doctrine of the priesthood—could it be the power to bless as He blesses?] shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion [gift that provides unparalleled serenity], and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever” (D&C 121:45–46).

Countless times I have heard people say of struggling teens: “They’re having trouble because of poor self-esteem. We need to build them up.” But when we build them up we are only distracting them from the Power that can change them, refine them, and perfect them. The person who told me that she was “continually keeping [her] thoughts centered upon the great worth of my soul” is no better off than the egoist admiring his own image in his trophies.

Rather than self-love and self-hate being polar opposites on a psychological continuum, they are really the same thing. Both are self-absorption. At the opposite end of the spectrum from self-absorption is self-forgetfulness. That is what God recommends.

Unknown to most people in the general population, the scientific community has had serious concerns about the self-esteem movement for almost twenty years. Research now verifies that improving children’s self-esteem does not motivate toward better school performance (Harter, 1983). Teens with high self-esteem may be so resentful of an attack on their self-regard that they are more likely to be violent in response to an insult (Bushman & Baumeister, 1998). In the massive California study of self-esteem and its effects, self-esteem was found to be as predictive of bad behavior as good behavior (Mecca, Smelser, & Vasconcellos, 1989). Very often it did not predict anything.

Self-esteem has simply failed us in its promise to deliver us from self-hate and unproductivity and may create serious problems (Cudaback, 1992). In a thoughtful book by psychologist Roy Baumeister (1991), he observes that the modern American inclination to base the meaning of lives on the self has left us with a badly shrunken meaning in life. Self-esteem is a failed messiah.

It should be no surprise. The world’s fads are not well-suited to our eternal growth. Because we live in a world with a logic so different, so disconnected from the logic of heaven, irony seems to always be woven into our discoveries of truth. To find ourselves we must lose ourselves. To live, we must die. To conquer we must surrender.

The Book of Mormon is especially powerful and clear in its invitation to become healthy through the Lord’s unique process.

For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields [we do not take charge, we surrender] to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord [we become fine and refined by Him], and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father. (Mosiah 3:19)

Those who have had even a modicum of success in this process of submitting can testify that “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith” (Galatians 5:22).

And that is infinitely better than self-esteem.

The world will flounder for decades trying to patch up the failed notions of self-esteem. But Latter-day Saints do not need to wander in the wilderness. In 1831 the Lord revealed a program of gifts that is succinct, wise, and—supported by modern research. In the next installment, we will review the five points in the Lord’s program of gifts.

References

Baumeister, R. (1991). Meanings of life. New York: Guilford Press.

Bushman, B. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (1998). Threatened egotism, narcissism, self-esteem, and direct and displaced aggression: does self-love or self-hate lead to violence? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, (1), 219–29.

Cudaback, D. (1992). Self-esteem: Rhetoric and research, Part III. Human Relations, XVII, (1), 1–6.

Harter, S. (1983). Developmental perspectives on the self-system. In E. M. Hetherington (Ed.), P. H. Mussen (Series Ed.), Handbook of child psychology, Vol. 4, Socialization, personality and social development (pp. 275–385). New York: Wiley.

Mecca, A. M., Smelser, N. J., & Vasconcellos, J. (1989). The social importance of self-esteem. Berkeley: University of California Press.

Imagine that you own a modest farm in rural Wyoming. You enjoy your work. You make just enough to get by. But one day everything is changed. You get a call from a powerful monarch. The king is inquiring whether you might allow the crown prince to come and work on the farm with you. “We want him to get some experience.” You are speechless. “We don’t expect you to change the way you live and work. Just be a good farmer and let him learn from you.” You mutter a weak assent.

Thus it is with parenting. The heavenly King asks us to take a crown prince (or princess) into our home. At first we are unnerved by the responsibility. But as the weeks and months pass, the duties of the farm eclipse the awesome responsibility of mentoring royalty. In time our irritation over spilled milk and neglected chores exceeds our awe of office.

Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting;

The soul that rises with us, our life’s star,

Hath had elsewhere its setting,

And cometh from afar;

Not in entire forgetfulness,

And not in utter nakedness,

But trailing clouds of glory do we come

From God, who is our home:

Heaven lies about us in our infancy!”

(William Wordsworth, “Ode: Intimations of Immortality from Recollections of Early Childhood” (New York: Harcourt, Brace & World, 1959), p. 99.)

Viewing our parental responsibilities in an eternal perspective should change everything. Could I speak harshly and carelessly to my royal charge? Even after occasions of misbehavior, could I ever fail to see the nobility and potential in the growing child? Could I ever believe that a television program or magazine article was more important than a walk in the fields with the cherished guest? When his or her ideas are silly and childish, would I mock them? Or would I listen, understand, and counsel? In times of trouble would I shrug carelessly or would I beseech heaven with my whole soul in behalf of the errant child?

Enos paid high tribute to his father: “for he taught me in his language, and also in the nurture and admonition of the Lord—and blessed be the name of my God for it” (Enos 1:1). “Taught in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” Our best loving and teaching is none too good for God’s children. In all things our teaching should point them to their eternal destiny.

In the last two years we have added two princes to our family. Those two grandsons, seen from the perspective of a man who has gained some experience since he raised his own children, are a heavenly gift. To hold them is an honor. To speak of them is a blessing. When our daughter called recently to tell us that their infant boy was ill and might require an operation, our hearts sank. As soon as the phone call was over we fell to our knees to plead for heavenly help. We would gladly give our lives to protect our cherished charges. God asks instead that we live our lives in loving and teaching them.

Maybe it is only in times of crisis that we fully recognize the blessing and responsibility of caring for the children of the divine King. In ways we don’t fully understand we are eternally connected to each other and to Him. “Say your prayers always before going to work. Never forget that. A father—the head of the family—should never miss calling his family together and dedicating himself and them to the Lord of Hosts” (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 44).

Given the magnitude of the parenting task, God has given scant direction to parents. Surely it is not because of indifference. It must be because His instructions on gospel living are as apt for being good parents as for becoming sanctified saints. He simply counsels parents to be good Christians.

And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might.

And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart:

And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.

And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes.

And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates” (Deuteronomy 6:5–9).

The secret of effective parenting is to be a humble follower. When our words and deeds bespeak our love and devotion to God we are ready to be good parents.

Parents should never drive their children, but lead them along, giving them knowledge as their minds are prepared to receive it. Chastening may be necessary betimes, but parents should govern their children by faith rather than by the rod, leading them kindly by good example into all truth and holiness” (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 208, emphasis added).

An admired friend told about an experience with her 8-year-old daughter. The little girl wrote a song and sang it to her mother. The mother was amazed at the deep message. In her heart she asked: “Heavenly Father, who is this woman?” For a moment the veil parted and she saw her little girl as she really is: a magnificent woman, a glorious spiritual being! “I wanted to kneel at her feet.” It changed the way she treated that child because she had seen her divine nature and heritage.

When the great King calls us Home, we will return with our dear children to His glorious presence. We will sit with Him at that heavenly feast. And we will thank Him that He entrusted us with some of His dearest children. Then will we all be Kings and Queens to the Most High God.

So, what do you do when your adult step-son is a cad, demanding lots and acting rudely whenever he is around? He is quite willing to be vulgar and to mock the food I serve when there is a family gathering. He gets mad when his dad won’t give him unlimited cash handouts. What can we do about him?

The hoped-for answer was probably, “When someone behaves that badly, you don’t have to tolerate it. In fact, to tolerate it is to endorse it. Tell him to shape up or to stay away.”

Fortunately the woman who asked the question is a saint who loves true doctrine. So we dove into the gospel pool and paddled around looking for answers. The first answer we discovered was to make our best attempt at understanding.

“What was life like for him as a child?”

“He is the younger brother. He always had a difficult, demanding temperament.” “He saw his older brother as his father’s favorite. He tried to become his mother’s favorite. He was always demanding more and more, insisting that he got less than anyone else.”

“What is life like for him now?”

“He is mean to his wife—they have separated more than once, rude with his older brother—on those rare occasions when he sees him, manipulative and punishing with his father, and generally unhappy.”

We have already enough information to accuse—or to feel compassion. He sounds like a spoiled brat. But what is life like for him?

“It sounds as if life has always been hard for him. Maybe from birth he had a difficult temperament. Maybe he started life with a load of bricks on his back. It is impossible for us to truly understand any other person. Every single person starts life with a different temperament and different preferences, and has different experiences. We simply cannot understand fully what life is like for him. But we know that life has been hard for him from his first breath.”

“So are we merely to ignore his behavior? Or we to cede to his demands? Doesn’t he bear responsibility for his behavior? His birthday is coming up and I don’t even want to have him in our house. Are we to just be doormats?”

“In the course of life most of us progress through stages. When we are younger, we often are insecure and easily intimidated. We cave in to other’s demands and hate ourselves for doing it. As we mature we begin to stiffen our resolve. ‘I don’t intend to be treated that way.’ We often progress to the point where we stand up for ourselves. We protect ourselves.”

“I guess that is where we are now. We have had enough of the demanding, complaining, and punishing. We don’t intend to take any more. We are quite ready to level with him.”

“You could calmly and fairly tell him about his behavior and invite him to mature. What would his reaction be?”

“He would explode! He would take it as final evidence that we had turned against him. He would stomp out of the house and squeal up the road in his pickup truck and never darken our door again.”

“Satan knows that. He is the father of lies and contention, a dual and dubious distinction. He wants us to fill ourselves with righteous indignation in order to feed contention. But Elder Maxwell asks, ‘If selfish confrontation reigns supreme, from where will reconciliation come? How many poor in spirit can there be if inflamed egos constantly seek to enrich and to vindicate themselves at the expense of others?’” (All These Things Shall Give Thee Experience, p. 59).

“Calm confrontation was about as far as we had hoped to get.”

“President Hunter elegantly observed that, ‘God’s chief way of acting is by persuasion and patience and longsuffering, not by coercion and stark confrontation. He acts by gentle solicitation and by sweet enticement. He always acts with unfailing respect for the freedom and independence that we possess’” (Howard W. Hunter, “The Golden Thread of Choice,” Ensign, Nov. 1989, 18).

“Since that boy has agency, he may never change, even if we do our part.”

“Exactly! He may never change. Even if there is some hope that he will, it is good to frame changes in reasonable timetables. He may change but it may take a decade. Or two. Or three. Heavenly Father thinks in just such expansive time lines. He has His 100 year and 1,000 year and 10,000 year plan for each of us. He is not deterred from His resolve by slow progress.”

“So how do we approach the impossible stepson?”

“Calm confrontation seems very mature, but there is a surprise. There is a place beyond strength. I call it transcendence. The best example of transcendence is Jesus. He never reacted to protect Himself. He unfailingly acted to bless.”

“Didn’t He react to the Pharisees? Didn’t He react to the money changers?”

“It is my view that He never once reacted, He never once acted to defend or protect Himself. For example, when the lawyer came to Him (Luke 10:25–37) hoping to embarrass Him with a controversial question, Jesus responded to bless him. He was even gracious enough to invite the lawyer to use his expertise in the law: ‘What is written in the law? how readest thou?’ When that lawyer persisted in his malicious attempt to discredit the Master, Jesus responded with one of the great stories of all time, known today as the parable of the Good Samaritan. Can you imagine honoring lawyerly malice with sweet teaching?”

“So you believe that He always acts to bless us?”

“I cannot say it any better than Nephi who declared that ‘He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world, even that he layeth down his own life that he may draw all men unto him’ (2 Nephi 26:24). I believe that from beginning to end there was one theme in His life: blessing.”

“Jesus sets a very high standard. I don’t think I can do as He did.”

“I agree wholeheartedly. I think it is impossible for you to do as He did. It is impossible for me. It is impossible for every mortal.”

“That’s encouraging.”

“Herein is the great secret. Great Goodness comes from One Place. We are not able to do the very things we are commanded to do—unless we are first filled, changed, renewed, and transformed by Him. That transformation is the truth behind such scriptural phrases as new heart, new countenance, mind of Christ, new creature in Christ, and mighty change. We simply cannot deal with the greatest challenges of life without being filled with Him.”

“So how do we get that?”

“Mormon’s counsel was to ‘pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure’ (Moroni 7:48). In my opinion, every time we feel charity, that flood of desire to bless, it is a miracle, it is a gift from heaven. There is no place to obtain it except from the Master of Goodness.”

“I don’t know if I can be patient enough to deal with that young man.”

“You can’t. This is beyond patience. This is transformation.”

“You still haven’t told me what to do.”

“Let’s see if we can translate the principle of charity into specific actions. First, pray with all the energy of heart to see him differently, to have the mind of Christ.”

“I can do that.”

“Second, when in a state of charity, draw on your knowledge of him and his preferences to set him up for success. ‘What kind of birthday celebration could we have that would make it most likely for us to have a good experience together?’ Because he has agency—and a lot of unhappiness—there may be no way to have a good experience anytime in the next decade. Yet your hope is to keep sending clear messages: ‘We care about you. We would like to be a loving part of your life.’”

“We can’t do that without some divine help.”

“Exactly! We simply cannot get beyond ugliness and counter-ugliness without divine help. You can prepare for any unpleasantness. You can imagine the unpleasant things that might happen and ask Father to prepare you to respond to them with gentleness and meekness.”

“So what do we do when he complains that our usual $50 birthday gift has not been adjusted for inflation?”

“You consider whether you feel that you would like to give more. If not, you are prepared to respond calmly but compassionately, ‘I’m sure you could use much more. We still feel good about $50.’”

She sighed. “This is pretty daunting.”

“Yes the great spiritual accomplishments fit in that category described by Jesus, ‘With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible’ (Matthew 19:26). May the Lord bless you.”

Recently I served on a panel at a parenting conference. At the end of the panelists’ presentations we invited questions from the audience. A young and earnest mother with a baby in her arms asked, “I have a 6-year-old boy at home. I can’t get him up in the morning to get ready for school. I have tried everything! Nothing works! What should I do?”

There are as many answers to her question as there are experts. One of the panelists suggested that proper use of time-out would shape his behavior. One suggested talking with him at a peaceful time to get his ideas of how to start his day. Some might suggest providing rewards for the desired behavior. We moved on to another question before we had really given her a good answer.

I had the good fortune of being seated next to the mother at the banquet following our session. We were able to continue the discussion. I learned important new details when I asked about the boy and what he loved and how he responded to correction. She told me that he was active but also tenderhearted. He was occasionally very affectionate. His feelings were easily hurt when he was corrected. As she talked lovingly about her son, some of the answers seemed obvious. There were also factors that were not obvious to her but might be seen by an outsider. For example, while the mother was very dutiful and a morning person, her son was not. (Sometimes our best efforts to motivate our children do not work because we are only using the tools that work with us but do not match our children’s needs.)

I invited the mother to try a different approach from the traditional begging, threatening, and cajoling: “Would it work for you to go to your son’s room 5 or 10 minutes before he needs to be up and lie down beside him? You could talk with him quietly and stroke his face. Allow him to wake up slowly and in the arms of your love. Would that work for William?”

She responded with a smile and the addendum, “Yes, he would like that. It would also help if I told him that as soon as he was dressed he could watch cartoons until he left for school.” This “impossible” situation yielded viable solutions when she thought about her son and his unique personality in a spirit of helpfulness.

Of course it is natural to object to such suggestions, “But that boy needs to learn to obey without all the mollycoddling.” Hmmmm. President Hinckley answers that concern better than I can:

How much more beautiful would be the world and the society in which we live if every father looked upon his children as the most precious of his assets, if he led them by the power of his example in kindness and love, and if in times of stress he blessed them by the authority of the holy priesthood; and if every mother regarded her children as the jewels of her life, as gifts from the God of heaven who is their Eternal Father, and brought them up with true affection in the wisdom and admonition of the Lord” (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Behold Your Little Ones,” Ensign, Nov. 1978, p. 20).

Much of my professional activity is dedicated to parenting. Most of the questions I get from parents have the general form, “How can I get my child to do what I want him or her to do—especially when they don’t want to do it?” That question has no satisfactory answer; there is a problem with the question itself. We might better ask, “If I consider my child’s world at a time when I am filled with love for the child and inspiration from heaven, can I find a way to draw that child toward better behavior?”

Turning again to prophetic counsel,

Fathers, if you wish your children to be taught in the principles of the gospel, if you wish them to love the truth and understand it, if you wish them to be obedient to and united with you, love them! and prove to them that you do love them by your every word or act to them. . . . Soften their hearts; get them to feel tenderly toward you. Use no lash and no violence, but argue, or rather reason—approach them with reason, with persuasion and love unfeigned. . . .You can’t do it any other way. You can’t do it by unkindness” (Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p. 316).

I remember when a devoted mother approached me with a parenting quandary. Her 4-year-old daughter had been playing with her older sister and the sister’s friend. The 4-year-old had gotten upset about something and scratched her sister’s friend. The mother asked, “How can I teach my daughter that her scratching is unacceptable?” Many questions went through my head, “Does your daughter scratch people often? Was she under a lot of stress at the time of the incident? What are the ways that soothe and teach your daughter?” Before getting to those questions I asked, “How did you respond to her scratching?” The mother replied, “I grabbed her and scratched her. Then I confined her to her bedroom for three days. I wanted her to learn that such behavior is simply not acceptable in our family.”

I am certain that the little girl learned a memorable lesson; I am confident that part of the lesson she learned was not what her mother had hoped to teach.

Study [your children’s] dispositions and their temperaments, and deal with them accordingly, never allowing yourself to correct them in the heat of passion; teach them to love you rather than to fear you” (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 207).
We deceive ourselves when we justify harshness as necessary or helpful for children. The Lord recommends a different course: persuasion, longsuffering, gentleness, meekness, kindness, and genuine love (see D&C 121:41–42).

Every earthly parent acts harshly at times. Such occasions are cause for repentance rather than rationalization. A relationship of love is the great motivator for children and for adults. The most important parenting questions we can ask are not about mechanisms of control; they are about love: “Wilt Thou grant me wisdom that I can understand my child and his needs? Wilt Thou fill me with divine charity to change my heart and fill me with love? Wilt Thou show me how Thou wouldst teach and bless this child?”

Better questions help us discover better answers.

There are many problems in parenting that require the wisdom of Solomon. Imagine sibling rivalry—bickering, hurting, spitefulness, jockeying—not a pretty sight. It is almost universal in this world. As we wrestle with such behavior, we are wise to turn to Heavenly Father and learn from His example. There are words by Joseph Smith that beautifully describe the parenting example that God has set for us:

Our heavenly Father is more liberal in His views, and boundless in His mercies and blessings, than we are ready to believe or receive (TPJS, p. 257).

I continue to be amazed at Heavenly Father’s inestimable goodness. I stand all amazed at His perfect plan for teaching and redeeming His children. I am awestruck by His kindness to our neighbors and ward members even in their undeserving. I am humbled by His graciousness in dealing with me.

The implications of God’s behavior for our parenting is clear. Even when our children have made serious mistakes, we should “have mercy upon them, according to God’s lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of His tender mercies, we may blot out their transgressions” (paraphrase of Psalms 51:1). While we do not have the right to provide heavenly forgiveness for our children’s misdeeds, we can offer the kind of lovingkindness and mercy that will point them to the Perfect Parent.

Yet there is more to Joseph Smith’s statement. After testifying of God’s goodness, he observes that
at the same time, [He] is more terrible to the workers of iniquity, more awful in the executions of His punishments, and more ready to detect every false way, than we are apt to suppose Him to be.

Apparently God will not look upon sin with the least degree of allowance (see D&C 1:31). He does not tolerate or excuse any degree of sin. He cannot; it is contrary to His nature.

Figuring out how to apply that observation about Father’s parenting to our efforts as parents is an interesting challenge.God’s instructions elsewhere give us a clue as to how we parents can do it.

And ye will not suffer your children that they . . . transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin (Mosiah 4:14).

We will not allow disobedience or contention. One of the ironies of parenting is that, in an effort to prevent contention, we often introduce substantial contention into our families: “You keep your hands to yourself you big bully!” In an effort to teach wise use of agency, we abridge it, “Just for that you have lost all privileges for a week!”

In most articles that I have written on parenting, I have stressed the importance of “persuasion, long suffering, gentleness, meekness, and love” (see D&C 121:41). There are two reasons for the emphasis. One is that love seems to be the first and central commandment of the gospel (Matthew 22: 37–40). The second reason is that love is the message that I need most. I am quite ready to set limits and enforce rules. It is not as natural for me to show kindness, patience, and compassion. When I write, I preach to myself.

The tendency to favor rules and limits over love and understanding is probably true for many people. However, there are probably some people like my dear wife, Nancy, for whom love, support, and kindness seem to come naturally. For such people it may be important to emphasize boundaries, rules, limits, and consequences in parenting. After all, God does not endorse permissiveness.

Since there is both a yin and a yang in parenting, there is great room for misunderstanding. Different experts on parenting will give different advice. One school of family experts accuses others of cruelty and another accuses their colleagues of being soft-headed and idealistic. That is why even the counsel of experts must be tested by gospel principles.

How can parents find the right combination of love and limits? How can mercy be balanced with justice? Such important questions do not have easy answers.

Let’s return to sibling rivalry. The traditional solution of letting children “work it out on their own”(translation: “fight it out”) has always left the weaker child at a continuing disadvantage and it neglects our responsibility as parents. God says we should not allow them to fight and quarrel with each other.

Finding a better solution requires discernment and inspiration. When one child takes a toy from a sibling, that child may only need some gentle re-direction: “Rebecca is playing with that right now. What would you like to play with?” However, if a child knowingly inflicts pain on a sibling, parents may calmly remove the child to a peaceful place while stating the rule: “We never hurt each other.” Gentle loving and soothing should prepare the child to return to family doings in the right spirit within a few minutes. (Children give us clues as to their readiness by their calmness or lack of it.)

We are easily caught in a pattern of overprotecting one child while over-accusing another. Not uncommonly there is at least one child in our family who irritates us. While the natural man will interpret irritation as a sign that the irritating child has a problem, a saint knows that irritation tells us that we are not in the right spirit to understand the person who irritates us.

When our young children would start fussing with each other while traveling in the car, Nancy would start them singing Primary songs. When our adolescent children found it difficult to do the dishes together, the contention was removed by having them wash the dishes alone.

Heavenly Father has designed our life experiences to teach us. When we work diligently at solving some problem and it does not get better, it is likely a sign that we are using an unbalanced approach. The parent who is too understanding and tolerant will not solve rivalry by using more tolerance. The parent who is too focused on rules will not solve continuing problems without cultivating love.

Each of us is wise to study the recurring problems that we deal with and draw on other family members to help us find balance. We can also pray for divine help. George Q. Cannon has recommended that,

if any of us are imperfect, it is our duty to pray for the gift that will make us perfect. Have I imperfections? I am full of them. What is my duty? To pray to God to give me the gifts that will correct these imperfections. . . . They are intended for this purpose. No man ought to say, “Oh, I cannot help this; it is my nature.” He is not justified in it, for the reason that God has promised to give strength to correct these things and to give gifts that will eradicate them. . . . That is the design of God concerning His children. He wants His Saints to be perfected in the truth (Gospel Truth, vol. 1, p.196).

An anxious mother posed the question that troubled her: “What can you do when your child wanders off? When you find her again, how do you teach her never to do that again?”

For this mother the question was not academic. Only a few days earlier her 3-year-old had wandered off while she was watching a Little League game. In a panic she hunted for her child. It took several minutes to find the child, during which time she imagined the worst. Her instinctive answer to her question was evident in the action she had taken when the girl was found; she grabbed her little girl and spanked her furiously. The mother was clearly anxious about her child’s welfare even if she was not sure how to promote it.

When we envision the parenting journey before the birth of our first child, we commonly create a mental image tinged with warmth and fluff. “Our family will be close and happy.” I have never known anyone who launched the parenting journey expecting it to be like a protracted World War II battle.

We all made those qualifying comments about having children—“I know there will be hard times . . .”—but we clearly didn’t expect to be brutalized by the experience. We expected maybe two tantrums and a few bad diapers. Most of us failed to read the parental fine print.

Actually I do not recommend warfare as the right metaphor for childrearing. Cultivating a beautiful garden may be more apt. A successful garden requires patience, vigilance, and wisdom. A fine garden is not created in a week. Nor is it the result of neglect, benign or otherwise.

If ever there was a domain where brute hope exceeded preparation it would be parenting (though marriage might come in second). How many people do you know who have made a study not only of the best parenting recommendations but also of the best parenting reactions by successful parents? I don’t think I have ever known anyone who has. Parenting generally entails failures of proactivity of epic proportions.

Let’s take this back to the ball field. What was the sin of the 3-year-old who wandered off? She was guilty of being a child. Children naturally explore and discover. Children, including most 3-year-olds, do not naturally keep track of their parents and their parents’ concerns. Rather it is the job of adults to plan ahead, to set themselves and their children up for success.

Let’s re-write the script for that trip to the ballpark. Any parent who is planning to do anything with a child should plan ahead. “What will Maddy do while I watch the game?” If the answer is “She will make herself and everyone at the game miserable,.” then we should arrange a different activity for Maddy. But if, based on our knowledge of the child and the setting for the game, we can see a way to have a positive experience, then we make appropriate provisions. We may take toys for the child to play with. We may take a folding chair so that we can sit near a play area where she can play. Or maybe we sit at the end of the bleachers and let Maddy kick a ball nearby. An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of correction.

As you think about proactivity in parenting, consider the routine trip to the grocery store with children. Before going to the store, have you ever asked yourself, “What do I need to do to make this a good experience for both me and my child?”

There are many possible answers:

• Don’t take this child to the store.
• Delay the trip to the store until you are both rested and peaceful.
• Plan to take a little more time at the store, talking as you go.
• Take a toy for the child to play with while riding in the cart.
• Involve the child in helping you find items on your list.
• Take another adult or older child to help you with shopping or childcare.
• Send your spouse or a friend to the store.

While shopping at the local Krogers here in Little Rock with 2-year-old grandson Max, I enjoyed his company and congratulated myself on his peacefulness. I hunted for the sought items while Max sat peacefully in the cart. It was quite a while before I noticed a trail of frozen peas behind us. Max had burrowed a small hole into the corner of a large plastic bag of frozen peas and was feeding himself. How should I react? Had Max misbehaved? Should he be punished?

I realized that I had not been tuned into Max’s needs. So Max had taken initiative to solve a pressing personal problem: hunger. He had not acted contrary to any laws that he understood. He had acted with resourcefulness and determination. I helped Max enlarge the hole so that he could get peas without spilling them. And I gathered up our trail of peas.

We can be partners with our children in cultivating that beautiful human garden. We can help them grow, learn, and discover joy. We are required not only to plan ahead but also to make adjustments in our own schedules. Nothing great was ever accomplished without effort. The good news is that the child is glad to conspire with us to bring about the finest creation in nature: a good human being.

Motivation is the timeless parenting question. How can I get my kids to do what they’re supposed to do? There are at least three options.

The first is force. Using threats and power, parents can often get their children to do the things they want them to do. Of course the time comes when the child is more powerful than the parent or when the parent is not present. Then the tables turn. No influence can or ought to be maintained by power alone. Power is the operating principle for Satan but not for God.

Manipulation is a second way to motivate. We can beg, bribe, cajole, and play emotional games. Such an approach requires remarkable amounts of energy and is not reliable. It also generates unfocused guilt in children.

There is a better way to motivate. That better way involves filling a child with peace and purpose. There are three keys to effective motivation.

1. Love motivates. The people who make lasting and positive differences in our lives are generally those who love us. Rhea Bailey, my fifth-grade teacher, was just such a person for me. She saw something in this goofy kid that was worth encouraging. Her specific and warm encouragement are still blessing my life decades later.Urie Bronfenbrenner, a noted family scholar, observed that “every child should spend a substantial amount of time with someone who is crazy about him or her.” Not only is love good medicine for humans, it also has catalytic properties; all other efforts to influence, guide, or discipline a child are more effective in the hands of a person who has a loving relationship with that child.
2. Knowledge motivates. Knowledge is an important part of motivation. But not all knowledge is created equal. Certain kinds of knowledge make a big difference in motivation. For example, children are motivated by knowing that success will be appreciated, by knowing their talents, by knowing good, caring people who are successes, and by knowing that there is real goodness in the world around them.Schulmann has said, “Stories about compassionate fictional and real-life heroes, famous and unsung, will also help convey the message that empathic concern for others is both good and natural.” We can tell our children stories of people in their own neighborhood, even in their own family, who have done things that are gracious, kind, and fine. We can set good examples of making decisions based on honor and compassion. We can help our children discover their talents. We can involve our children in service. We can provide our children opportunities to learn, grow, and excel.
3. Compassion motivates. Children who have experienced compassion and been taught compassion are more likely to act in helpful and proactive ways. They are more likely to work in cooperation with others.There is an irony here. It is common to believe that a child who feels sad should be cheered up. Yet one of the most powerful things that anyone can do for another person is to honor that person’s pain with humble reverence.When we show compassion for someone else’s struggle, that person is likely to find the needed resources in his or her own soul. Standing with a person strengthens that person. Trying to drag or push a person from pain generates resistance.

The nice thing about effective motivation is that it provides people with an enduring disposition not only to do good but to be good.

The everyday challenges in motivating children may seem to take place on a smaller scale. “But how can I get the dishes washed?” That is a reasonable question. Just as in lifelong motivation, micromotivation involves love. A parent who currently understands and values the child whose turn it is to wash the dishes is more likely to be persuasive than the parent who is primarily feeling irritated. The loving parent sees a child who has a certain set of talents, preferences, and dislikes. The loving parent works in cooperation with those unique characteristics of that child. The parent might reflect, “What works best with this child?

Even in washing dishes there is a place for knowledge. Does the child know how to do the job? Does the child feel hope from knowing that the task can be completed in a reasonable time? Does the child know that effort is appreciated?

Compassion combines with knowledge to further strengthen motivation. A wise parent may know that one child needs a little help getting started. Another child may need the invitation to report in for a hug when the job is completed. Another child may need a parent nearby working on some task in order to stave off loneliness. When the child knows that he or she is loved by a sensitive, helpful parent, that child is likely to be motivated.

A harried parent may object that there just is not enough time to turn each chore into a full-fledged training and support operation. That is true. Of course there are many tasks that get done without intense attention. But, in those cases where more effort seems to yield poorer results, it is worth considering whether some combination of love, knowledge, and compassion might help. “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).